On Common Ground

In mid July I sent out a little reminder and interest barometer to the original group of six to seven people.  I expected a fall out of one or two parties, but all but one ended up cancelling their commitments in the end.  Needless to say, a bit to my disappointment.  And in fact, zero response was received by two members of the original group. 

Of course, like any good, red-blooded Filipino-Spanish-German-Irish American, my blood boiled slightly.  The audacity, I thought!  Why can’t anyone in this modern day and age commit to anything?!  Is everyone really so busy that they can’t come down for a three or four day weekend?  How ungrateful. How insidious!  Do any of these people realize what it was I was offering?  I know half a dozen people who would have jumped at the offer without question. 

Now certainly this was no meeting of super powers to address world social or political issues.  There was no great summit to discuss the theory of global warming brought on by excessive carbon emissions and the destruction of our rainforests.  It was just meant to be a nice long weekend with a group of friends I genuinely cherished, all of whom knew one another but did not communicate with one another on a regular basis where I was serving as a singular common bond.  No big deal, really…

But to me it was, and the disappointment of no one else acknowledging the value of that on the same level as I did caused some discord in my usually balanced emotional state of being.   So, I decided to invite my roommate along who eagerly accepted the opportunity to get away from the city and his very demanding and stressful job for a long weekend. 

Two days before we left I got a late night call from one of the cancellers.  I know that if there was anyway possible for her to have been there she would have been.  I know the demands and stresses that were being placed on her at work and she just couldn’t get away from it that weekend.  And never in my mind did I think that there was any other reason or excuse for her absence.   

Yet, all the same she called me with profuse apology and pleaded for my forgiveness. She knows the level at which I value my friendships and what it meant to me to have all those people there, and acknowledged the disappointment I must have felt.  I told there that there was nothing to forgive.  We were square and I only wish that circumstances were different because out of everyone I believed that (besides myself) she probably needed the vacation the most. 

However, my disappointment (I just don’t get angry anymore) lied in those who failed to even respond one way or the other in final weeks up to the weekend. I thought to myself, are these people so busy and self-absorbed that even common courtesy is no longer a basic value?  And then the phone call came in the middle of this week. 

“I am probably the worst friend ever,” she said. “I know you must be mad.  You probably hate me and I wouldn’t blame you.  I hope you can forgive me. I should’ve called, but I just didn’t.” 

There was more of the same. I could tell that the message was sincere. I could tell in her voice that I didn’t need to say a thing to make her feel worse.  And in a way, it made me feel a little guilty for feeling so disappointed. 

You see, I understand the world that we now live in.  Things move faster.  Careers and work obligations often hold precedence over time with family and friends.  We have more toys, more homes, more personal obligations which all require more work and less time for other things.  I knew that no one was not showing up because of me.  I knew it was not personal, and that allowing myself to think it was and getting angry about it would do nothing to change the truth of the matter that for whatever reasons they had, my friends could not take advantage of the generosity of the offer.   And the feeling of disappointment would soon dissipate. 

The voice message went on to close with “I understand if you don’t ever want to call me back, but I hope you will.  I’m sorry and I love you.” I was reminded then how much there really is in the power of forgiveness. 

Religious ideals are firmly implanted upon it, especially Christian-based beliefs that all mankind have fallen short in the eyes of God since the infamous “apple incident” in the biblical allegory of Adam and Eve.  The Buddhist hold true that holding anger and maintaining an unforgiving heart towards others is karmicly counter productive to inner peace and loving wholeness.  Makes sense.  I mean how can you fully and completely love someone while resenting them at the same time?  Not too easy a trick if you ask me. 

About six or seven years ago I participated in a symbolic act of forgiving all those in my life against whom I felt any resentment towards.  One of these people included my very first partner, David G., who I dated and lived with for about two and half years in my very early twenties.  David placed indelible scars upon my emotional and mental psyche for years after our breakup with some of his antics.   

One other was a former employer who sexually harassed me while I was under his employment to the point that my partner at the time had to drive eight hours to Myrtle Beach , SC in the middle of the night from Atlanta to retrieve me from what was a very disturbing situation.  That employer then went on to withhold about a month’s work of salary after the incident.  None of which did I ever see in the end after some lengthy small claims court and collections proceedings that went on for a little over a year.   

The third individual was my biological father whom I never personally known.  Someone who to this day is still a complete enigma formulated only in my head by painful stories involving shame and neglect told by my mother not until I was fifteen years of age.  No pictures of him survived my mother’s painful separation from this man who once allegedly pushed her down a set of stairs in hopes of causing a miscarriage in the first trimester of the pregnancy. 

None of these people asked for forgiveness from me, but I was required to forgive them as a part of my own journey in order to move on to a higher level of understanding and growth in my own personal emotional and spiritual journey.  So, with written word in form of letters to each, letters none of the three would ever receive, I wrote the words “I forgive you” to each of them.  And on that fateful evening, I burned those letters in a small metal trash can in the back yard allowing every negative emotion to be burned off with the flames and carried off into the deep dark night on unwavering wisps of smoke and ash.  That was the night when I fully realized the cleansing power of forgiveness.   

So, a couple of days went by since the call from my friend came in the middle of this week.  I listened to it a couple of times.  I’ll admit it felt good to hear.  But it was the words “I love you” that resonated most.  She didn’t know that she had already been forgiven long ago. 

Look. Life happens, yes.   But my advice to you is that you just don’t let life just happen TO you.  Be sure you are an active participant in MAKING it happen in the process.  And just remember, offers for free weekends with old friends at the beach just don’t come up everyday.  So, take advantage them when the opportunity arises when you can because life is short and work will still be there when you get back.  See, aren’t you so lucky?!