On Common Ground

photo by Apostolis L on Flickr

One of the challenges… and yes, I know there are many… but one of the MAJOR challenges in any and all relationships… be they romantic, pseudo-romantic, platonic or familial… is managing our expectations about whether they are or WILL BE old, tried and true ones OR sparkling potential “diamonds in the rough” relationships on the blossoming end of the spectrum.   However, keep in mind that THE primary goal of every single relationship is to teach us something about ourselves, about others and, I would dare say, about the nature of the world around us AND about the human experience in general.

My mother taught me trust, love, compassion, perseverance… and how to cook a killer chicken adobo.  My father taught me the value of working hard, respect for all kinds of people unconditionally, how to drive a car and mow a stellar lawn… which got me my first working gigs at the age of 9 or 10.  My  brothers taught me patience and tolerance… sort of.

My friends taught me that we all have our issues and yet we set them aside, we are all exactly the same and we can really have some great fun when we stay in that space of pure acceptance.  School taught me school stuff.  Church taught me church stuff.  Romantic partners taught me relationship stuff.  Well, you get my drift.  

As we move verily through the many mazes of learning and growth, we create certain expectations about those types of relationships.  We also create judgements about what should and shouldn’t be a part of those relationships. Thoughts like…

• “My mother didn’t love me enough.”
• “My father didn’t pay me enough attention or told me he was proud of me enough.”
• “My friends weren’t there when I needed them most.”
• “My partner didn’t get/love/trust/appreciate me enough.”
• “My boss/co-workers don’t acknowledge the work I do on a day to day basis.”

We have all had these thoughts at some point or another.  Some of you are having them right now.  How do I know?  Because we are all the same.  Now, those thoughts may not have been with exactly the same person delineated above, but you have had them about someone who has closely affected you in your life.

 
“So what, Roldan?” you say,  “What’s the point you’re trying to make?”  

Well, simply that our relationships with others form our experiences, “good” or “bad”.  or as I prefer to say, positive and/or affirming and negative and/or disaffirming.  And these experiences help us form the judgements that guide our future experiences.  This is part of the journey.   It is required for us to learn how to navigate a world that is not always, if ever, simply black and white.  These relationships help us formulate our early concepts and illusions of “right” and “wrong”.  Again, very loose terms for me.

We have to be aware of the many shades of gray to be able to navigate the waters of our experience.   We have to know what brings us physical and emotional joy, happiness, safety, shelter as well as what brings us pain, fear, suffering and leaves us out in the storm.  The contrasts of Life.

This is where the ego is actually good servant to us.  In fact, our friend and protector.   When we are young and in the early stages of physical and mental development.  When we are processing the experience in order to learn and do whatever it is we have come here to learn and do.   It has a job to do as much as our lungs help us breath, our hearts pump our blood and our five senses help us interpret the world around us. 

Yet, at some point the process goes array.  At some point we are to take what we have learned from this vast plethora of people relationships and formulate our own sense of self that resonates with the Essence of who we are as pre-form spiritual beings.   However, for millions upon billions of humans, the experience of these relationships merge with our childhood friend, the “protector ego” which then formulates a life of its own.  And a life of illusion and unfiltered and unfettered expectations, about ourselves as well as about others, is formed.

• “My mother-in-law SHOULD be as loving, or more loving as my own.”
• “I SHOULD be as good or even better father than my own.”
• “My partner SHOULD love me unconditionally and NEVER do anything to hurt me.”
• “My friends SHOULD always get me and be there exactly when I need them… or they aren’t really my true friends in the first place.”
• “My new job/boss WILL be better than my last one, and I’ll finally be recognized & appreciated.”

Just about everyone on the planet walks into a new relationship with better and higher expectations than the last.  Nothing wrong with that in and of itself.  It’s understandable that we would like to move UP, not sideways and especially not backwards (although it happens), in the life experience beyond what the previous experience had to offer.  Especially when the last experience failed to meet our prior expectations.  

Do you see where I going with this?  If you have been on the path towards fully being conscious about your thoughts and ideas towards a state of non-judgment,  you are probably seeing clearly where I’m heading right now.  If you are just beginning to understand what non-judgment truly is right now, bare with me.  I am about to make it very clear.

“Non-judgment” is the act of releasing ALL expectations on any and all agents of life in the human experience based on YOUR past experience.

I am going to say that one more time, as it bears repeating…  “Non-judgment” is the act of releasing ALL expectations on any and all agents of life in the human experience based on YOUR past experience.   Don’t worry. I  can hear you thinking now…

“But… But… Roldan… But… Are you crazy?!   How in the heck am I supposed to navigate this mad and crazy world if I let go of my judgments based on what I know about people and things based on my personal experience??”

And I say to you that on the whole, your exceeding expectations can not be met.  And thus, your judgments placed on/about the people, places, things and relationships will always lead to disappointing you.  Okay fine…  i’ll give you 9 out of 10 times will he/she/they disappoint you.  

Be with that statement for a minute.  Think it through to your past or current situation, and you will see where you are currently holding a resentment or disappointment about someone or some thing in your life.  Did  you have a higher expectation than the outcome you have or are currently receiving?  Be honest.   

As a coping mechanism… yup, here’s where that protector ego shows up again… you will then move forward onto the next with a false awareness that nothing is ever really good enough.  Nothing or no one will ever really give you the peace, love or joy you believe you deserve.   Of course, unless that someone is you, right?   Hey, if you want something done right, you have to…   Yessssss, I know you know the rest.  You’ve been doing it all your life. 

And yet, I say to you that you DO deserve to live in peace, love and joy.   All the time, I will even go further to say!  By simple fact that all Beings have come here seeking those things as they have merged into the human experience.   However, the contrast of disappointments exists in order to shine a brighter light on the higher experience of peace, love and joy… and with that, the appreciation of those inalienable, Universal rights.  But here’s the catch… you are going to have to work at it.  Yeahhhh, sorry.  I know.  Old habits are hard to break.  But I believe in you!  Keep reading… =)

And as an Emerging Being… and you wouldn’t be reading this if you weren’t one (there are no accidents), YOU are now on the cusp of an evolutionary scale that shifts the old paradigm of allowing past negative experiences flow into future potential results.  You are on the leading edge of dismantling the “woe is me” victim consciousness that has for way too long precluded the human experience via our predecessors.   The old guard, if you will.

The whole of the experience of Life is in the immediate moment of the NOW.   If you are projecting the old energy of “unsuccessful” experiences into the expectations of future results, you are falling into the vicious cycle of repeating history.   Go ahead.  Read that again. 

I know this because I have experienced this cycle over and over again in this lifetime as well.  And the greatest and most disappointing failed expectations were the ones I placed on myself.   I fell quickly into a cycle of “I’m not smart enough… not good enough… not lucky enough… not worthy enough to succeed”  in my thinking.   I’d raise the bar and try again… and again… and again.  Fail.  Fail.  Fail.  They were too great and they almost ALWAYS depended on a pairing or grouping of relationships to do their highly expected parts in order for me to succeed, complete and/or be happy. 

And then I let go.  Period.  I let go of ALL the expectations and judgments not only on me, but on all others.   I went and studied the great sages and ancient wisdoms that exemplified a life of pure acceptance of non-judgment.  I strove, and continue to strive, to emulate that place of elevating others as well as myself without elevating my expectations of the final outcome.  It will be what it will be, but I hold the intent that it will be perfect and serve mine and others highest good. 

Do you want to be free of pain and suffering? Let it go.  Let go of your own expectations.  Let go of the ones you have on yourself to be stronger, greater, smarter, tougher, or even better than what you are RIGHT NOW.  That’s Step One.  

Step Two, you ask?  Let go of all your expectations you have on others around you.  The boss.  The job. The husband.  The wife.  The kids.  The church.  The friends.  The partner.  God… what/whoever that is for you. 

But don’t let go of the sincere love and appreciation you have of these same people and institutions.  Accept them for exactly who, what AND where they are.   Rigghhhht!  You got it… that means accepting yourself exactly such as well.  I know, it won’t be easy, but I know you can do it!

Becoming spiritually consciousness and aware IS A PRACTICE.  It’s going to take some mental and emotional work.   It’s the undoing of old patterns that served when they served us, but not longer serve us in the present.   The transition point from ego-based to spirit-based.  This “integral-based” mindset of living fully present, healthy and whole in Mind, Body and Spirit takes work.  The reward, however?  More freedom than you have ever known and more creative energy and full expression while living in the flow on a chartered course to your highest potential.  Do you think that is worth it??  Well like I said,  I know you can do it.  I believe in you! 

The key to all of this is Awareness?  Make the decision to actively reduce (ACTION) and then eventually remove your expectations (INTENTION) that anything or everything should or shouldn’t be a certain kind of way (BELIEF) dramatically opens the door of living a life of non-judgment and acceptance that all things are in perfect service to the growth and evolution of you (RESULT)!

And the result of that transition will be the opening of an whole new world of amazing beauty and self-discovery by way of trusting the process, knowing the Source/Universe/God (whatever you call your higher power) has your highest interest in Universal Mind and will direct those energetic beings and events in your direction now that you will be able to see, appreciate, and receive them EXACTLY for and what they are.

This is the next level of our evolution, if we are willing to accept it and do the work to shift the old paradigm.   As the world evolves, so must we.  As above so below.  As we evolve, so must our ideas, beliefs and behavior.  Let go the victim consciousness of your predecessors.   Let go of holding everyone or anyone else accountable for YOUR happiness.  Claim your Universal Truth that all things are an expression for your ability to co-create your experience WITH God.  Let go of your unexceeding expectations, and watch it all flow perfectly to support your greatest growth and serve your highest good.  

This is definitely one of those places where less is truly so much more.  Thank you for taking the time to be here.  Thank you for sharing your insights, gifts, ideas and comments with us and with us.  When we share, we allow ourselves and others to grow so much.  Namaste.

in light and love,  Roldan

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